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Saturday, December 15, 2007

Step 5 - ACOA

Last week I did a step 5 with the focus on my ACOA issues.

Boy am I feeling it.

After 4 hours, one of the comments my sponsor said was ’Most of those things relate to being rejected’.

And it was. Right back as far as I can remember, about age 4 and a half, and almost anything since - I perceived everything as rejection of me. And I ended up with the view of myself as being unworthy, rejectable; and of course ’I deserve’ to be put down, critisised and not needed.

The important thing to me is that these thoughts may only be ’perceptions’, not reality.

My thinking since has been split between ’at least I now know’ and depression - what a waste my life has been stuck in thinking I am no good.

It’s almost like being paranoid about thinking every incident being set up to reject me. And, I set myself up to be rejected.

My positive, spiritual thoughts are; ’I may or may not have been rejected, that’s not important. What is important it seems to me is changing my thoughts and self-talk to ’I am OK, even if I am rejected’.

I have been reading Step 6 in the AA 12 steps and 12 traditions book every day and that is opening my mind to just how much this twisted thinking is embedded in my mind.

Any thoughts you have on these subjects will be read with interest.

 

          The Complete ACOA Sourcebook: Adult Children of Alcoholics at Home, at Work and in Love
by Janet Woititz

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