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5 Assets of an ACOA

What’s Your Greatest Asset? Strengths of an ACoA

Amy Eden writes about the assets of ACOA’s.

“I don’t know about you, but I sometimes feel exasperated with the emphasis on problems tied to being the offspring of alcoholics.

Today I need to hear the B side of the record, to think about our other characteristics.”

Here are her first five assets of ACOA’s.

• YOU CAN EMPATHIZE
• YOU’RE INDEPENDENT
• YOU’RE CREATIVE
• YOU’RE RESILIENT
• YOU’RE CALM

Full post at Guess What Normal Is.

See also;

• Adult Children of Alcoholics
• Al-Anon
• Alcohol intervention may help.

Al‑Anon Family Group

Problem drinkers commonly deny that their drinking is a problem.

Similarly, family and friends have a tendency to minimize how seriously the drinker’s behavior has affected them.

These questions can help you consider whether you could find support and understanding in an Al‑Anon Family Group.

1. Do you worry about how much someone else drinks?

2. Do you have money problems because of someone else’s drinking?

3. Do you tell lies to cover up for someone else’s drinking?

4. Do you feel that if the drinker cared about you, he or she would stop drinking to please you?

5. Are plans frequently upset or cancelled because of the drinker?

6. Do you make threats, such as, “If you don’t stop drinking, I’ll leave you”?

7. Are you afraid to upset someone for fear it will set off a drinking bout?

8. Have you been hurt or embarrassed by a drinker’s behavior?

9. Do you search for hidden alcohol?

10. Have you refused social invitations out of fear or anxiety?

11. Do you feel like a failure because you can’t control the drinking?

12. Do you think that if the drinker stopped drinking, your other problems would be solved?

Alcohol Intervention

Brief Twelve Step Facilitation is research based and written by a long term recovered alcoholic who is a professionally trained welfare therapist.

It is a method to begin to create awareness of alcoholism, break down denial and connect alcoholics or problem drinkers with Alcoholics Anonymous.

By using the processes in this manual you can start and give ongoing support to a person on the road to recovery from alcoholism. It is suitable for treatment resistant, previously treated and newcomers to treatment. The processes are gentle incorporating Motivational Interviewing, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Twelve Step Facilitation.

It may also be complimentary to any 12 Step peer helping.

Buy and down load the e-book; now only $7.00 a copy.

PayPal with Mastercard, Visa and Americam Express payment available.

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One Day at a Time

My best friend was going through some tough situations in her life. I was in the midst of a hard stretch too. We didn't particularly like the things we had to do in our lives. We talked about our feelings and decided that what we were going through was necessary and important, even though we didn't like it. We expressed gratitude for our lives.

"It's still a dreadful time," I said.

"Brutal," she said. "I guess we're back to the old one-day-at-a-time approach. We're so lucky. What do people do that haven't learned that gem?"

There are times when we can look at the stretch ahead and like what we see. Taking life one day at a time is still a good idea, even when things are going well.

Taking life one day at a time can be particularly useful when the road ahead looks dreadful. We may not even know where to start with some challenges. That's when taking life one day at a time is essential.

"I've been using alcohol and other drugs every day since I've been twelve years old," I said to my counselor years ago in treatment. "Now you're telling me I need to stay sober the rest of my life. Plus get a job. And a life. How am I going to do that?"

"One day at a time," she said. She was right. Sometimes I had to take life one minute at a time or one hour at a time. And all these years later, it still works.

You are reading from the book:

52 Weeks of Conscious Contact by Melodie Beattie

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What I said never changed anybody

For recovering alcoholics, addicts and co-dependents this meditation has real meaning.

What I said never changed anybody; what they understood did. - Paul. P.

How often have we given our all to change somebody else? How frantically have we tried to force a loved one to see the light? How hopelessly have we watched a destructive pattern - perhaps a pattern we know well from personal experience - bring terrible pain to someone who is dear to us?

All of us have.

We would do anything to save the people we love. In our desperation, we imagine that if we say just the right words in just the right way, our loved ones will understand.

If change happens, we think our efforts have succeeded.

If change doesn't happen, we think our efforts have failed. But neither is true. Even our best efforts don't have the power to change someone else. Nor do we have that responsibility. People are only persuaded by what they understand. And they, as we, can understand a deeper truth only when it is their time to grow toward deeper understanding. Not before.

Today, I will focus on changing myself and entrust those I love to the Higher Power who loves them even more than I do.

Today's meditation comes from the book – buy today

Days of Healing Days of Joy: Daily Meditations for Adult Children

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Al-anon MP3 Podcasts

An official Al-anon MP3 website

For over 55 years, Al-Anon (which includes Alateen for younger members) has been offering strength and hope for friends and families of problem drinkers. It is estimated that each alcoholic affects the lives of at least four other people... alcoholism is truly a family disease. No matter what relationship you have with an alcoholic, whether they are still drinking or not, all who have been affected by someone else’s drinking can find solutions that lead to serenity in the Al-Anon/Alateen fellowship.
New Podcast website
Welcome to “First Steps to Al-Anon Recovery” from Al-Anon Family Groups. This is a series of podcasts to discuss some common concerns for people who have been affected by someone else’s drinking.
Drinking During the Holidays
Janie, Ernie, and Frances are with us today. All are active Al-Anon members. They are willing to talk about how Al-Anon helped them deal with drinking during the holidays.
New to Al-anon
Renee, Paula, Dick, and Edith are with us today. All are active Al-Anon members. They are willing to talk about what they wish they knew before they came to their first Al-Anon meeting.

MP3 Podcasts at Al-anon First Steps 

Related articles

• Detachment from Emotion (recoveryissexy.com)
• Children and Alcoholic Family Roles (recoveryissexy.com)
• The Healthy Family (recoveryissexy.com)
• 
  

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Healthy Sexuality for Co-dependents

Image via Wikipedia

Many areas of our life need healing.

One important part of our life is our sexuality. Our feelings and beliefs about our sexuality, our ability to nurture, cherish, and enjoy our sexuality, our ability to respect ourselves sexually, our ability to let go of sexual shame and confusion, may all be impaired or confused by our co-dependency.

Our sexual energy may be blocked. Or for some of us, sex may be the only way we learned to connect with people. Our sexuality may not be connected to the rest of us; sex may not be connected to love - for others or ourselves.

Some of us were sexually abused as children. Some of us may have gotten involved in sexuality addictive behaviors - compulsive sexual behaviors that got out of control and produced shame.

Some of us may have gotten involved in sexual co-dependency: not paying attention to what we wanted, or didn't want, sexually; allowing ourselves to get involved sexually because it was what the other person wanted; shutting off our sexuality along with our other feelings; denying ourselves healthy enjoyment of ourselves as sexual beings.

Our sexuality is a part of ourselves that deserves healing attention and energy. It is a part of us that we can allow to become connected to the whole of us; it is a part of us that we can stop being ashamed of.

It is okay and healthy to allow our sexual energy to open up and become healed. It is connected to our creativity and to our heart. We do not have to allow our sexual energy to control our relationships or us. We can establish and maintain healthy, appropriate boundaries around our sexuality. We can discover what that means in our life.

We can enjoy the gift of being human beings who have been given the gift of sexual energy, without abusing or discounting that gift.

Today, I will begin to integrate my sexuality into the rest of my personality. God, help me let go of my fears and shame around my sexuality. Show me the issues I need to face concerning my sexuality. Help me open myself to healing in that area of my life.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990

Buy today >> The Language of Letting Go

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Al-Anon 12-Step Recovery Program: Love It Or Leave It

For those who don't know or have never heard of Al-anon, it is a 12-step recovery program that is the counter-part to the Alcoholics Anonymous 12-step recovery program. It was initiated by Lois Wilson (the wife of Bill Wilson; one of the original founders of Alcoholics Anonymous) as a safe haven and support group for anyone who is dealing with a loved ones alcoholism (and/or drug addiction)

I have been attending Al-anon meetings for 20 years and came away from my first meeting thinking..."What a bunch of losers, as well as... I heard some interesting things here."

As a professional family substance abuse counselor, I encourage my clients to attend Al-anon and find out if it is something they wish to incorporate in their recovery. Some swear by it, others are shunned.

I have compiled a list of 16 opinions; 8 hip-hip hooray! 8 bah humbug!

See these at; The Huffington Post

Also see; Thank you and I invite you to visit my website at www.familyrecoverysolutions.com

• See also;
• Al-Anon May be able to help
• 12 Step Sponsor
• 12-Step Speaker Tape Links
• Help an Alcoholic 1
• Naranon or Narateen

Beyond Co-dependency: And Getting Better All the Time by Melody Beattie

Understanding Co-Dependency by Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse

Alcoholism, ACOA Top Posts

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No to Guilt

Today I will say no without guilt.

Today I will say no whenever it is in my best interests to do so.  Just as important, I will say no without feeling guilty or fearful.

My attempts to separate from my parents we met with threats of abandonment.  As a result, I learned to avoid having my own opinion for fear of rejection. 

Deep within me now, I feel a strong desire to become my own person, to stand free of all unhealthy attachments and discover who I am.  When I disregard my limitations and permit others to violate my boundaries, I harm myself.

Today I will love myself enough to say no when I find it necessary.  I will reassure the child within me that those who truly love me will not abandon me when I must tell them no.  No matter what the response, today I will treat myself well by saying no without guilt and fear.

- From “Affirmations for the Inner Child” by Rokelle Lerner

Affirmations for the Inner Child

Kids of Addiction

Documentary gives children of addicts a voice

Children in homes in which parents use illegal drugs live in the shadows. They often are abused, neglected or become users themselves. A documentary by local filmmaker Susan Reetz is bringing their lives into the light.

Reetz released "Living in Shadows: The Innocent Victims of Meth" in September, hoping to raise awareness of the issues children face living in a home where illegal drugs are used. That life was brought into focus last week when three children were removed from a home in Schofield where drugs reportedly were present.

Reetz interviewed children, parents and grandparents who have been affected by drug use. They talk about emotional and physical neglect, sexual abuse, violence and living with drugs.

"A lot of people don't realize what kids go through when their parents are using, making and selling meth," Reetz said. "It's so prevalent in our community, and we want to sweep it under the rug. The only way we can make a difference is if our community is better informed."

Full story at The Daily Herald

See also;

• A Problem Shared is a Problem Halved
• Adolescent Children of Alcoholics
• Naranon or Narateen
• If you have healthcare training this manual may help.
• Take care of yourself

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

When Alcoholism Takes Over

I can never drink again. I am an alcoholic. Alcohol temporarily fills a hole inside me when I am feeling incomplete or unhappy. I have been sober for a few months, but could very easily get lost into it again if I were to re-indulge in that escape. Alcohol doesn’t fix my problems, but just temporarily numbs my conscious mind of acknowledging them. They will stay there. A fifth of vodka will only offer temporary relief.

Full story at Daily Nexus

See also;

• A Problem Shared is a Problem Halved
• Al-Anon May be able to help
• Are You Living With A Compulsive Gambler?
• What can you do for your alcoholic? Suggestion 10

Alcohol & Other Drug Recovery

Family Groups for Addiction

The Nar-Anon Family Groups are a worldwide fellowship for those affected by someone else’s addiction. As a Twelve-Step Program, we offer our help by sharing our experience, strength, and hope.

Nar-Anon’s Purpose

Nar-Anon is a twelve-step program designed to help relatives and friends of addicts recover from the effects of living with an addicted relative or friend. Nar-Anon’s program of recovery uses Nar-Anon’s Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. The only requirement to be a member and attend Nar-Anon meetings is that there is a problem of drugs or addiction in a relative or friend. Nar-Anon is not affiliated with any other organization or outside entity.

Nar-Anon’s Twelve Steps

1. We admitted we were powerless over the Addict -- that our lives have become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people whenever possible except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Contact; Nar-Anon

See also;

• 12-Step Treatment More Effective than Alternative
• Abstinence from Heroin Addiction Works
• Addictive Family Roles
• What About This Spiritual Awakening Thing?
• Strategies for Dealing With Denial

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Addict In The Family: Stories of Loss, Hope, and Recovery.

AA For Youth

April 5, 2007 -

• “If I could have stayed cool, I’d still be drinking. Very quickly, though, I started getting into trouble. Going to sixth grade got in the way of my life, which consisted of getting drunk as much as possible.” [After rehab] “I was going to A.A. meetings. Everyone was older, even most of the kids at the young people meetings. But I found that alcoholics understand other alcoholics. . . . Regardless of how young or old or ‘special’ I am, in A.A. I’m just a drunk.” Tina, who joined A.A. at 13

• “I loved drinking and was as addicted to the lies, the shady people and places as I was to the alcohol. My grades suffered until I stopped going to school altogether. . . . I found myself in places without any idea of how I had gotten there. I overdosed on alcohol.” Since coming to A.A., “I have been given an opportunity to grow up with the Twelve Steps in my life. It is with utmost gratitude that I have just celebrated my 19th year of continuous sobriety.” Kevin, who joined A.A. at 14

NEW YORK CITY-Tina and Kevin are two of the 19 very young alcoholics who relate their experience as recovering alcoholics in a revised pamphlet just released by Alcoholics Anonymous: “Young People and A.A.” Eight recollections by early teen and preteen alcoholics are included in the new edition, which also contains most of the original stories by alcoholics 25 and under.

The young A.A.s speak candidly about their preconceived notions of A.A. and what happened when they stepped tentatively into their first meetings. As Nicole, who sobered up at 14, says, “I knew A.A. held the solution to alcoholism. What I didn’t know was that anyone old enough to have a problem is old enough to seek help from A.A.”

Since the Fellowship began in 1935, the age of new members has constantly dropped. A.A. groups for young people began appearing as early as 1945 in Los Angeles, Cleveland and Philadelphia, and now can be found across the United States and Canada. Today approximately 10 percent of A.A. members are under 30.

In reaching out to young alcoholics, A.A. offers them a variety of special literature and audiovisual material, mainly available in Spanish and French as well as English. The stories help the young newcomer to A.A. understand that an alcoholic can “hit bottom” without going through 20-plus years of drinking, never mind the loss of family, friends and financial stability. Through identification with the recovery stories of people their own age, they learn they never have to feel so alone and frightened again-and can lead comfortable, happy, even exciting lives in sobriety.

Among other A.A. pamphlets that speak directly to young people are three in comic-book format: “Too Young,” in which teenagers aged 13 to 18 share their drinking stories; the newly revised “It Happened to Alice,” geared to young female alcoholics; and “What Happened to Joe,” which tells the story of a young construction worker on the edge of alcoholic self-destruction. A counterpoint to the pamphlet “Young People and A.A.” is the 28-minute video of the same name in which four young A.A. members tell the stories of their drinking and recovery in A.A., with closed captions for the deaf and hard-of-hearing.

To obtain a copy of the pamphlet “Young People and A.A.” or other A.A. literature and service material, call your local A.A. Intergroup or Central Office. For further information about A.A. publicinfo@aa.org

See also;

• Alcoholics Anonymous book online
• 12-Step Treatment More Effective than Alternative
• AA Offers Recovery Not Religion
• Alcohol is a drug – TOO!
• Spirituality in Alcoholism Recovery
• 24 Ways to get the Rest You Need

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Family Stages of Alcoholism

A family with an alcohol in its midst will go through several stages in dealing with the chaos and disruption caused by the alcoholic. These stages are described below in order of appearance.

Denial: Early in the development of alcoholism, occasional episodes of excessive drinking are explained away by both marriage partners. Drinking because of tiredness, worry, or a bad day is not unbelievable. The assumption is that the episode is isolated and is, therefore, not a problem.

Attempts to Eliminate the Problem:The non-alcoholic spouse realizes that the drinking is not normal and tries to pressure the alcoholic to quit, be more careful, or cut down. At the same time, the spouse tries to hide the problems from the outside and keep up a good.front. Children may start to have problems in response to the family stress.

Disorganization and Chaos: The family balance is beginning to break down. The spouse can no longer pretend everything is okay and spends most of the time going from crisis to crisis. Financial problems are not unusual. At this point the spouse is likely to seek outside help.

Reorganization in Spite of the Problem: The spouse’s coping abilities have become strengthened. He or she gradually assumes a larger share of the responsibility for the family. This may mean getting a job or taking over the finances. Rather than focusing on getting the alcoholic to shape up, the spouse is now taking charge and tries to foster family life, despite the alcoholism.

Efforts to Escape: Separation or divorce may be attempted. If the family remains intact, the family continues living around the alcoholic.

Family Reorganization: In the case of separation, family reorganization occurs without the alcoholic member. If the alcoholic achieves sobriety, a reconciliation may take place. Either way, both partners must realign their roles within the family and make new adjustments.

Recovery; Can occur at any stage provided there is compassion, empathy and understanding by key family members.

BriefTSF can help the understanding and set up the right conditions for recovery to begin.

See also;

• What can you do for your alcoholic? Suggestion 10
• Set a good example
• 12-Step Treatment More Effective than Alternative
• Alcoholic Family Roles
• Chalk Talk on Addiction Video
• Maturity of Mind Through a Spiritual Awakening

Spouses of Alcoholics

Partner’s Criticism Linked to Relapse

A new study published in Behavior Therapy apparently confirms that Al-Anon’s purpose of offering "understanding and encouragement" to those with drinking problems is best approach family members can take in dealing with the situation.

The study, conducted by William Fals-Stewart of the State University of New York at Buffalo, found that men recovering from substance abuse are less successful if they believe their spouse or partner is critical of them, rather than supportive.

The study found that of 106 married men studied, those who reported greater criticism from their partners were more likely to have relapsed, regardless of the severity of their drug problem, age or race.

Al-Anon is a support groups for those who are affected by someone else’s drinking. In the "preamble" which is read at most Al-Anon meetings, it says:

• Al-Anon has but one purpose to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps, by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics, and by giving understanding and encouragement to the alcoholic.

"Compared to treatments for substance abuse that do not involve spouses, individuals who get couples treatment have much better outcomes -- less drug use, fewer arrests, greater likelihood to remain abstinent from drugs," Fals-Stewart told Reuters.

Other findings of the study include:

• Of the 106 men in the study, half had relapsed after a year of treatment.
• Most of the men perceived their partner to be moderately critical of them, with only 2 percent saying they were not critical at all, and 29 percent saying they were "very critical."
• Older men were more likely to perceive criticism, as were those involved in more distressed relationships.
• The study noted the men’s perceived criticism, rather than how much and how often their partners actually criticized them.

Fals-Stewart said relapses themselves may increase criticism from a spouse, who may be especially disappointed by the failure of treatment.

See also;

• Al-Anon May be able to help
• Adult Children of Alcoholics
• 10 Secretes of Happy Relationships
• Early or Adaptive Stage of Alcoholism
• Most Popular Articles Feb 2008
• Learn about the disease of Alcoholism

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12 Rewards of Recovery

Twelve Step fellowships such as Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, Al-anon, Cocaine Anonymous and others don’t just address the substance or overt behaviour. In progressing through the 12 Steps other benefits will be realized. These are know as the rewards of recovery. One example is;

THE TWELVE REWARDS OF SOBRIETY

By Searcy W., 55 years sober as at 2001 aged 90.

• Faith instead of despair.

• Courage instead of fear.

• Hope instead of desperation.

• Peace of mind instead of confusion.

• Real friendships instead of loneliness.

• Self-respect instead of self-contempt.

• Self-confidence instead of helplessness.

• A clean conscious instead of a sense of guilt.

• The respect of others instead of their pity and contempt.

• A clean pattern of living instead of a hopeless existence.

• The love and understanding of our families instead of their doubts and fears.

• The freedom of a happy life instead of the bondage of an alcoholic obsession.

See also;

• 10 Secrets of Happy Relationships
• 12 Step Sponsor
• 23rd Psalm for Recovery
• AA and Treatment Work Better Together
• Ego Quotes with Narcissistic Tendencies
• In the Sober Kitchen

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First Year Sobriety: When All That Changes Is Everything

20 Questions for Gamblers

Gamblers Anonymous asks its new members to answer the following "20 Questions" in order to determine the severity of their gambling addiction:

1. Have you ever lost time from work due to gambling?

2. Has gambling ever made your home life unhappy?

3. Has gambling affected your reputation?

4. Have you ever felt remorse after gambling?

5. Have you ever gambled to get money to pay debts or solve financial difficulties?

6. Has gambling ever caused a decrease in your ambition or efficiency?

7. After losing, do you feel you must return as soon as possible to win back your losses?

8. After winning, do you have a strong urge to return and win more?

9. Do you often gamble until you run out of money?

10. Have you ever borrowed money to finance your gambling?

11. Have you ever sold anything to finance your gambling?

12. Are you reluctant to use "gambling money" for normal expenditures?

13. Does gambling make you careless of the welfare of yourself and your family?

14. Do you ever gamble longer than planned?

15. Have you ever gambled to escape worry or trouble?

16. Have you ever committed or considered committing an illegal act to finance gambling?

17. Has gambling ever caused you to have difficulty sleeping?

18. Do arguments, disappointments or frustrations create within you an urge to gamble?

19. Do you ever get the urge to celebrate any good fortune with a few hours of gambling?

20. Have you ever considered self destruction as a result of your gambling?

If you answered "yes" to seven or more of these questions, you may have a gambling addiction problem.

See also;

• Gamblers Anonymous
• 12-Step Speaker Tape Links
• Are You Living With A Compulsive Gambler?
• Why the HP Actually Works
• Strategies for Dealing With Denial

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Gambling Addiction: The Problem, the Pain and the Path to Recovery

Stress Affects Recovery

Alcoholics should avoid excessive physical and emotional stress during early abstinence.

Researchers have found that an important system (The HPA axis) of the body that regulates stress, hunger and illness is “stunned” during alcoholic drinking.

The researchers tested alcoholics in early recovery (less than 12 months) and found that the HPA axis recovers after about 8 weeks.

Any stress can trigger an abnormal response but moderate to extreme stress can be dangerous to abstinence and may trigger a relapse.

Reference; May 2007 issue of Alcoholism: Clinical & Experimental Research.

Recovery Blogger's comments;

• The most dangerous time for recovery from alcoholism is the first 3 months. Many do not stay sober in the first 3 months.

• Some alcoholics have been known to exercise to extreme attempting to restore physical prowess and then wondered why.

• Others have been known to attempt to restore money and work related problems by working long hours or several jobs. They too have found difficulty staying sober.

• Still others have been known to try restoring family or marriage relationships too early and have found it very stressful or a threat to sobriety.

This research may explain why.

Alcoholics Anonymous advises;

’Easy Does It’

The slogan "Easy Does It" is one way we A.A.’s remind each other that many of us have tendencies at times to overdo things, to rush heedlessly along, impatient with anything that slows us down. We find it hard to relax and savor life.

When one of us is in a dither to get something done or get somewhere in a hurry, a friend may gently remonstrate, "’Easy Does It,’ remember?" Then there’s often a flash of annoyance at the adviser. And that indicates the advice must have hit home, wouldn’t you say?

Page 44 of Living Sober, AA Inc (1975)

See also;

• 12-Step Speaker Tape Links
• A Problem Shared is a Problem Halved
• AA and Treatment Work Better Together
• ABC's of Recovery
• Alcohol and Sexuality
• BriefTSF is designed to help breakdown denial

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